You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
