I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize