Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
