Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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