Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
