i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
