No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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