hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
