i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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