I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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