im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
