If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
