but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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