there's paper in my vomit.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
