Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize