i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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