All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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