The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
