I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
