Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
