...so i touched it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
