I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
