I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
