Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
