YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
