Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize