May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
