Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
