Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
