anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
