Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
