Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
