Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
now i know why i became what i already was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
