Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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