i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
