It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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