i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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