I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
