My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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