Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
