I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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