After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize