I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
