some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
