My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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