i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
