do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
