I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
