I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
