Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
