what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
