She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
