does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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