I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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